Tuesday, 1 October 2013

Blind Alley...

When I was in first school, I was popular. I had a boyfriend at the age of 5 and he was the most popular (and good looking) boy in school - I even had to put my foot down with my best friend who suggested we 'share him'. We were 'boyfriend and girlfriend' all throughout first school, until I was unceremoniously dumped by a phone call from his mother to mine, telling her he'd been two timing me - I was 10.

I don't quite know if it's a coincidence, but my love life has never been 'plain sailing' - I'm now starting to wonder if I was a particularly horrible person in a past life.

I was 16 when I had my first real kiss with my mum's friend's son, who was the same age as me but went to a different school. He was a terrible kisser. Honestly, it traumatized me for years; my first proper boyfriend at 6th form broke up with me because I wouldn't kiss him. It wasn't until I was 19 that I got drunk enough to snog some random guy in a nightclub and I sort of got my 'mojo' back.

During high school and 6th form I watched my friends fall in and out of relationships at the drop of a hat. It was always 'someone dating someone', 'someone broke up with someone'. I didn't want that. I wanted something different.

It wasn't until I was 23 that I met this incredible young man (he was 3 years younger than me) and like a fairy tale, we fell in love very quickly. Unfortunately, it fell apart almost as quickly as it fell together - we broke up a week after our first anniversary, and it truly broke me. A part of me died when the relationship ended and I'm still grieving the loss three years on.

It's not all doom and gloom though... I'm still smiling (most of the time) and I don't hate men; I'm not bitter - I'm devastated - but never bitter. The worst thing you can do when you've been broken hearted, is to let the wounds fester. Some people fester and it rots away on the inside. I'm not like that. Of course, I still have days when I find myself feeling sad and broken hearted, but these times do pass and I tell myself all the things you tell yourself when you're feeling sad and lonely.

Life is what you make it - that's what my Mum has always told me. I honestly do believe she's right, but unfortunately love isn't like that. You can't go out with the intention of falling in love, as you would finding a job or buying a car. You can't just go online, type in 'tall dark and handsome man' and 'poof' he turns up on your doorstep. Oh, I wish it was that easy! *edited to add, I'm sure you can actually find an escort online, but you know that's not what I'm talking about!*

That's the thing I struggle with... the adage that love comes when you least expect it. When there's something you've wanted SO much and for as long as you can remember, how do you not try and WILL it to happen? How can you not want it, so much? 

I've tried so hard to get on living my life; I trained as a body piercer, ran my own clothing business for two years, became a model, a background actress and made a whole new set of friends, yet, when I lie my head on that pillow every night, the issue is the same. The pillow next to mine, is empty.

Don't get me wrong - I'm one of those strange, introverted people who prefers her own company to that of most others and I've never been one to be in a relationship because I don't want to be alone; I like being alone - but there's a difference between being alone and being lonely.

I thought that with a new career and new friends, love would come in time. But it hasn't. I'm sitting here night after night wondering when is it going to happen for me? Am I ever going to meet someone? What if that one year was all the love I'm going to have in my life? Will I ever love like that again? If so, when? How much longer do I have to wait? I feel like I've been waiting my whole life to fall in love, and when I finally do, it's snatched away from me.

I try so hard not to live in the past and look to the future, but it's so hard. I'm so desperate to see the future, I'm dying to visit a fortune teller just so I can hear someone tell me I'm going to fall in love and get married and live happily ever after; of course, I've paid them to say that... but I contemplate it, just the same.

There are so many things 
I love music, I love travel, I love history, I love languages, I love fashion, I love technology, I love the cinema, I love reading, I love television, I love the beach, I love beautiful landscapes and sunrises and sunsets. I love the smell of the winter morning, I love the smell of hot tarmac in the summer. I love to laugh, I love to stretch in the morning and at night, I love the smell of men's aftershave, I love hearing someone breathing next to me in bed. I love the warmth of their skin next to mine, their arms around me, squeezing me tight, kissing me goodnight.

I'm so grateful to have the life I have; I just so desperately want someone to share it with. When will I be truly happy?